I wish that I had a drive or passion that I could chase, or a talent that I could make a living off of. I’m trying to be realistic here. I would settle for something that was just okay, as long as it didn’t make me completely miserable. I can handle a little misery even, all I’ve ever worked is retail and customer service. I just hate how stagnant most things feel right now. It’s gone so far beyond mundane. I’ve sold beer and wine “for a living”, since I was 19. I can’t even legally drink, and I don’t try to illegally either. I am actually good at my job, and sometimes I enjoy it, but I have contemplated quitting after I turn 21 so that I don’t have to taste wines and force myself to develop a palate for it.
What I am trying to get at is that I could put up with a reasonably shitty job if it paid enough to support a good future, whatever that is. In my head it’s just Ross and I happy, and not having to worry about making ends meet. If I could make enough that he wouldn’t have to take up another job again and just focus on his illustrations, I would be successful. I don’t even care if it’s allegedly bad to base your happiness on someone else’s.
But I’m so far from there right now, and I’m not sure where I’m at right now either.
I have an idea, because I hit a bit of a low last week. A regular customer insisted on walking me to my car despite my declining, and then wanted to get in the car with me. I am always shocked by how sharp I am in the moment of a threat, but how terrified and pathetic I am once I know I have gotten away safely. The whole thing had me thinking about what would happen if my instincts failed me, or if I was just overpowered. I am now constantly suspicious, because I really hate the idea of having no control. Two days after that, inside Meijer, Ross left me by the carts for all of two minutes. While he ran to the car to grab a jacket, some old man on a motorized cart stopped right in front of me and just stared. He was wearing a blue Hawaiin shirt, and face level with my tits, he raised both his eyebrows up and down and slowly said “Hi”. I just took a step back, and he rolled on. I felt so fed up, and I still do. I bought some pepper spray and Oreos, and I guess that’s where I’m at right now. Feeling simultaneously defeated and full of fight.